Something I have learned this year.

I recall a conversation with a friend of mine back in London. I mentioned to him about how quickly time goes and I wondered if it speeds up the older you get. His response was “If time seems to be going quicker than expected, it means you aren’t achieving enough”. Its definitely a saying you could have many debates over but its also a saying I can see truth in.

Usually time goes quick for me when my life is in a loop, what I mean is that my days and weeks have a continuous pattern or loop. I wake up, I work and I sleep. Seems like a normal pattern really but let me explain a little more. Of course I understand that this sleep eat repeat pattern is probably applicable to the majority of the population. But what if this pattern becomes a routine and this routine becomes monotonous activity. I absolutely love music, But if I listened to the same music 100% of the time 24 hours a day I am certain that I would very soon become ill from too much music.4 We are always told too much of anything is bad for us, too much sugar, too much meat too much this or too much that but hey wait a moment…. What about too much routine..?

I think an example will help in understanding my concept…

For the past 3 years of my life I was stuck in a working routine, I would find myself waking up and almost immediately starting to think of the weekend so I could get some rest. My life consisted of three basic things, Eating, Sleeping and working. I found myself buying pointless items or expensive materialistic things to try and balance out this routine I was stuck in. Balance out? Well, Like I already said there is nothing exciting about doing the same monotonous activity, buying materialistic things gives us (or at least me) a little boost, a little bit of excitement. Naturally enough buying things is like a short term high and soon I would find myself back in the routine loop desperately searching for the next quick hit of excitement. You see the thing is with routine, comes comfort. It may be monotonous activity that we are doing but its easy isn’t it, We’ve done it so often, so many times that we become trapped or what I like to call “cornered in our comfort zone”. Although I worked hard and long hours I felt like I was just one small part of a large machine, I was cornered in my own comfort zone.

I could always trace that I was unhappy with my situation, I remember calling home on numerous occasions and talking to my Mum saying I can’t handle it. But if I went back home I would have nothing. (I should probably explain that my home is in the country side in a small community). My home is beautiful but I would never earn the same money I was earning in London, If I quit my job I would have no income, no life at all.. This is what I thought continuously for 3 years. I thought this because I was cornered in my own comfort zone. I felt comfortable where I worked, I could feel that most of the people liked me there and I liked them, It was good fun and I also earned decent money. When I say it like that you are probably thinking “what the hell are you complaining about”, But Im not complaining about my surroundings I am complaining about myself. I had an abundance of comfort which lead to a routine for me. My mind felt deprived of excitement.

One Sunday I went to the cinema with my girlfriend and I could feel some sort of restlessness inside me. I could not define why I was feeling like this. That evening I had a panic attack. The worst one I had suffered since years. One of those panic attacks where I was ready to bet my life that I am going insane, my surroundings became so surreal I felt like I didn’t even know my own existence. After getting it under control I went straight to bed, I just wanted to sleep it off. I woke up Monday, I woke up before my alarm and I could feel emptiness in my chest, I went for a shower to try and calm myself a little and then put on my uniform all ready to go to work. I was just out the door when I can’t explain it but something mentally hit me! It was clear to me at this moment that I would not be returning to work.. I spent at least 4 weeks in a anxious depressive state where my body was craving change like some sort of drug addict. But change is difficult. Although I was set free from my comfort zone I had been trapped in, but I could feel other forces making my decision for change problematic. I had a feeling that if I left London I would loose everyone and especially loose the people that are close to me. It wasn’t until someone close to me said “People come and go in life but the right ones will always stay”, after hearing this I felt inspired and motivated to make the move, Ive also learned not to let objects influence or hinder a decision my body is trying to tell me. I also feel today that the day of panic was a sign. I hear it day in day out in, books and from people telling me how powerful our minds and bodies can be. Things always happen with reason.

 

On a side note I would like to thank everyone for their positive feedback so far. Please keep it coming or share your thoughts or why not spread the word ?. 🙂

Max

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